I see lightning when I close my head

If I could put sound into text, if I could hold on to the sky, if I could disappear, if I could make my shoulders lighter and tell you I like you I would,
in less then a heartbeat,
without a regret or second thought.

But I can't do that.
Because I think she's on your mind more.

It breaks me up more than it should.
You have to understand, destroying me is easy, making me whole is even easier.

Remember when people could feel things? I don't.

I write these blogs just so someone, even just one person knows,
that I want to die.

And then the glorious mountain avalanched and buried it's self in rubble.

I've noticed I haven't blogged in a while.
I've noticed how that's been affecting me. So I think I'm just gonna write for a while and listen to my Bob Iver album. If you don't know him look him up.
School started the day after my birthday. Great present. Anyway, the day before and the day of my birthday I hung out with the people who I thought I finally got right with. The people who I thought might never intentionally leave me.

Let's call them One and Two.
One is a girl, she's been my friend for a while but newer than the others.
Two is a boy, we weren't really good friends until this summer. We don't want to be just friends but it's too nerve-racking to share that with one another.
Two used to stay up late talking to me online and post indie music on my facebook wall.
After a few school days went by I noticed a down fall in both relationships.
One always reminded me of how much she 'loved' me but would always be with another of her friend who is my friend but not that much of a friend like One is a friend with her.  Friend.
Two was kind of a different break down. I thought it was going to happen. That I would receive a boyfriend, I real, no complications, amazing, nice boyfriend.

A close friend but has too many friends to get close with friend in my poetry class told me she'd tell Two to ask me out.
That after school he came over and smiled and talked to me for a bit. Some kind of but stand able friends from my Algebra class were there so he didn't stay too long.
Or ask me.
It's the weekend, he hasn't tried to talk to me since.
He talks to another girl and posts indie music on her wall.

I'm reading a book. It's about being alone, trying to escape, struggling, crying
when everything bad happens to you.
It's about being depressed, like The Smiths, being different, not wanting to wake up, wanting to disappear, hating, jealousy, being scared.

I couldn't relate more to the main character. Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephan Chbosky.
If you haven't heard of it you should look it up.

I should mention in here I don't want to live and I don't want to die.
I don't want to be anything.

I should also mention 'the butterfly project'
Every time you want cut you draw a butterfly where ever you usually cut.
If you cut sometime after you draw the butterfly it dies.
If you draw more than one butterfly, they all die if you cut.
If you cut you have to wash off the butterfly/butterflies otherwise let it fade.
I don't want to kill.